Oh. Hello, friends. Yes, it has been awhile, hasn't it? It's not even September anymore.
Much
as I would like to tell you that I have spent the past month in
a delirium of performance opportunities and have been far too busy to
write, that is not the case. My inner pessimist was telling me that as
soon as my act, costume, and music were performance-ready, I would find
no performance opportunities...and she was right. Well played,
pessimist.
In the midst of this resounding silence, I have been slogging along. Slogging. IT HAS BEEN BAD TIMES, FRIENDS.
First, I once again have no teacher: I encourage everyone to go see
Marina perform at Teatro ZInzanni and tell her to come back and teach.* With no
one to boss me around, I am bored with my act. Circus is failing to
entertain me. The gym seems ridiculously crowded this semester; at
this point, if I see twenty-five people running around in there, I am
likely to go walk in the park instead. I feel jaded. The fact that
San Francisco has entered its fleeting, irrational summer does not
help: chilly, gloomy gym versus a sunny beach and a book of pirate
stories?** Pirates always win.
I have another problem, too. Even if there were performance
opportunities being thrown at me, I've recently realized
that performing for free is bad news for other aerialists.
Essentially, no one gets paid when people offer to perform for free
(the fact that performers who require payment generally have much
better acts does not slow down event organizers as much as you might
think). This was news to me, though it shouldn't have been:
when I was being trained as a yoga teacher, we were cautioned
never to teach for free for this exact reason. My act is not to the same level as those who (rightly)
ask to be paid, meaning that I don't feel right asking. So. Problematic. Theoretically problematic, given the
dearth of
performance opportunities--but still problematic.
So all of these things get rolled up into a ball and the end result
is that my love for the circus is unremitting, but my desire to perform
is no longer consuming. I feel like I have a better grasp all the time
of what it would actually take to be employable by a real,
honest-to-god circus, and I do not currently possess those things, nor
the desire to possess them. Furthermore, if I don't take a step back,
now, then I run the risk of becoming seriously and irrevocably jaded.
It's difficult to describe, but realizing that I am not on a long,
narrow road to performance stardom is actually a relief. It's a scary
relief, but still. I'm fine with just showing up to
the gym when I want to and using what space is available. If this
means--as it has more than
once, lately--that I carve out a space behind the trampoline and
stretch for an hour, so be it. If I can hang Trappy, I can play with
different music in my act--or different choreography, or fooling around
on static trapeze or hoop instead. Hey, remember when circus was "fun"?
I remember those days. Those were good days.
Sure, if someone offers me a fantastic paying gig next weekend,
I'll take it. Watch, maybe it'll happen: maybe I just had to take a
step back. My inner pessimist can't win them all.
--
*Further proof that not everyone is caught up in a performance drought: Marsha recently took her admirable act to Supper Club and was nice enough to provide video for those not lucky enough to be there. Dig the purple lights!
**Fast Ships, Black Sails, edited by Ann & Jeff
VanderMeer--highly recommended, especially with the addition of a beach
and/or ocean.
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